what fades away

It is the disquieting time of night, somewhere between the haunting tick of a wall clock and the peek of morning. And it is within this shadowy half-light, I remember. The whisper of memory weaves itself contently if I'm lucky..but more often these days, it is wistful. A random thought that can fill an ear with tears, or cut through sleep in the oddest, silliest of ways. And sometimes it comes in a reassuring dream that patches a hole. Those are the best kind. But tonight, it cradles itself between a distant train whistle and raindrops on the window and I miss you.

My mother. An easy touch, the kindest of voices, an unconditional love that poured all over me and has been regifted in the journey I take with my own babies. All sweetness she is, with a sunshine smile. One who had the profound ability to fill the miles between us for so many years when the wild colt within me had to run. But time has passed and we finally share the same place again. Although she's farther from me now in so many ways, my heart is full and I am thankful that life's mystical path led me back.

Those brown eyes are different. On a good day, they target..on a dark one, they look away or through. Foolishly, I raise my voice hoping that will bring her 'round. At times the sadness overwhelms me, exceeded only by the fear of losing her completely but prayer and the force field of my girls bring me back to a good place. And in these early hours, I go there again. To experiences, times and laughs we've shared- in Reno when she mistakenly put lip liner on her eyebrows and I found myself sharing a nickel bank with a circus clown...tight hugs on the jet bridge, Chinese chicken salad at The Broadway. I remember walks, talks, the smell of Charlie..when I could not believe anymore and she did it for me. All the boyfriends, the apartments and the silent drives we took when music was enough. I watched her bury a son under tragic circumstances with the strength and faith of an angel; an unfathomable knock-out in which she miraculously managed to keep the gleam and push within herself. You get that from your mama, Mama.

There are times when my selfishness gets the best of me and I curse the cards that took away the parts of you that I need now. But behind the veil I see a familiar glimmer..when my Will touches her fingers to your cheek, in the sway of your hips when Mr. Ray is on the stereo. It is within these moments, I breathe..replenish and am grateful for love, no matter how many curtains have been drawn within it.

When I was a girl, I remember leaning on the sill and watching the dogwood blossoms fall outside my second story window. My goals were lofty, and life was all about my dog and Tiger Beat magazine. You were the tether between home and whatever was out there. Thank you, for the niche you created for us, Mom. Thank you, for the warm fold of your arms and for believing in my dreams as if they were your own.

It is here I will stay as long as I need to, until the story is complete for us and our karmic river has met its sea. My deepest wish for you is one where pain has no place, love continues to bathe you in its light and one in which your hands are always warmed by my father.