what fades away

It is the disquieting time of night, somewhere between the haunting tick of a wall clock and the peek of morning. And it is within this shadowy half-light, I remember. The whisper of memory weaves itself contently if I'm lucky..but more often these days, it is wistful. A random thought that can fill an ear with tears, or cut through sleep in the oddest, silliest of ways. And sometimes it comes in a reassuring dream that patches a hole. Those are the best kind. But tonight, it cradles itself between a distant train whistle and raindrops on the window and I miss you.

My mother. An easy touch, the kindest of voices, an unconditional love that poured all over me and has been regifted in the journey I take with my own babies. All sweetness she is, with a sunshine smile. One who had the profound ability to fill the miles between us for so many years when the wild colt within me had to run. But time has passed and we finally share the same place again. Although she's farther from me now in so many ways, my heart is full and I am thankful that life's mystical path led me back.

Those brown eyes are different. On a good day, they target..on a dark one, they look away or through. Foolishly, I raise my voice hoping that will bring her 'round. At times the sadness overwhelms me, exceeded only by the fear of losing her completely but prayer and the force field of my girls bring me back to a good place. And in these early hours, I go there again. To experiences, times and laughs we've shared- in Reno when she mistakenly put lip liner on her eyebrows and I found myself sharing a nickel bank with a circus clown...tight hugs on the jet bridge, Chinese chicken salad at The Broadway. I remember walks, talks, the smell of Charlie..when I could not believe anymore and she did it for me. All the boyfriends, the apartments and the silent drives we took when music was enough. I watched her bury a son under tragic circumstances with the strength and faith of an angel; an unfathomable knock-out in which she miraculously managed to keep the gleam and push within herself. You get that from your mama, Mama.

There are times when my selfishness gets the best of me and I curse the cards that took away the parts of you that I need now. But behind the veil I see a familiar glimmer..when my Will touches her fingers to your cheek, in the sway of your hips when Mr. Ray is on the stereo. It is within these moments, I breathe..replenish and am grateful for love, no matter how many curtains have been drawn within it.

When I was a girl, I remember leaning on the sill and watching the dogwood blossoms fall outside my second story window. My goals were lofty, and life was all about my dog and Tiger Beat magazine. You were the tether between home and whatever was out there. Thank you, for the niche you created for us, Mom. Thank you, for the warm fold of your arms and for believing in my dreams as if they were your own.

It is here I will stay as long as I need to, until the story is complete for us and our karmic river has met its sea. My deepest wish for you is one where pain has no place, love continues to bathe you in its light and one in which your hands are always warmed by my father.

life is sweetzer

Mama and her Maglets have made a safe return back from a beyond fabulous visit home to Los Angeles. It was just what the doctor ordered. We spent an action packed, fun-filled ten days under the canopy of perfect weather, abundant laughter and, unfortunately, for my liver..way too much spirit. Oy. I just got off the phone with Hazelden and will be booking their 28 day "vacay-recovery" package shortly. Oh, well..what the heck. When you're living in the Ozarks and are only able to see your friends twice in six long years...your inner party animal comes out, what can I say? The neck injury I sustained from sleeping on one of T-Mag's stuffies was one animal I could have done without, however. On day four of my chardonnay-induced slumber, Nemo had managed to lodge himself under my goozle and the tweak from it plagued me for most of the trip. From now on, Mama sleeps solo- no kids, no fish. Or hires her handy-dandy massage therapist, Ron, to travel with. ;-)

We began our stay in the lovely West Hollywood area with our dear friend, Tim, who could not have made us feel more welcome. Particularly for a single, gay man with a houseful of expensive furniture and breakables. Bless him. He hung in there with his gracious self though and I'm pretty sure was ready to drop kick medi-Kate Gosselin and her two rug rats out the door by weeks end. I had to laugh as he was fully prepared for our arrival..having had purchased a gargantuan, plastic white table cloth, which we nicknamed- the Giant Depends....and literally would put it down wherever the kids were eating and playing. :)

I am so loving the WeHo area now! That delectable morning marine layer was like a mini-air conditioner on my daily runs through all the darling streets dotted with spanish-style apartments and precious cottages. Wish I had 700 thou and I'd plunk it down on the cute, little flower-wrapped bungalow that I salivated over every day on the corner of Alfred. Oh, how I've missed my bougainvilla! Those fuschia swatches were everywhere...

We really didn't do the tourist thing..just hung out with all my buds. The girls were presh with a capitol P and two itty bitty social butterflies..lemme tell ya. They ate up all the attention and activity like a couple of piranhas. We frolicked in the waves at Annenberg Beach. What a lovely facility they've finally put together for California families. Freak-free, clean sand, immaculate bathrooms...even a boardwalk all the way to the sea for us old-timers who aren't interested in a hot-footed, thigh workout. The quaint little beach house that Hearst built for Marion Davies was there. Yeah, must be nice. When San Simeon got boring, she had a nice little pad on the edge o' the ocean to rest her weary bones. Like I always tell my daughters.."Marry for money, darlings!"

We finished up our last few days at a sweet little motel, The Tangerine, in my old neighborhood. It was j'adorable..all bright, quiet, nicely appointed..with a pool that turned out to be almost like our very own personal cabana as no one was ever in it but my offspring! Boy, oh, boy...those two can swim. I wish I had a fraction of their energy. We basically spent 8 hours a day in the thing..and it worked out nicely because my pals would come and visit me to chat and drink "lemonade". I even had a friend, who enabling my Facebook addiction, graciously offered up his laptop (complete with matching tangerine holder!) Yes, ladies and gents, orange was definitely the theme in every way. From fruits and computers...to my cirrhosis! The manager of the place could not have been more amiable as I paraded what must have seemed like 160 people through its doors to poolside. The ongoing joke was that I was probably going to get an eyeful of sur-charges upon checkout. You told us you and your two children, Mrs. Mag..not Snoop Dogg's posse!

I had a couple of lovely din-din parties held in my honor..absolutely wonderful nosh and my kids were treated like royalty (acting more like Hilton princesses though, '..will you please take the stuff out of the mushrooms?".."I like it but I want those 'red things' (sun-dried tomatoes) put on the side."..'oh, you're serving grilled marinated chicken breast, whole wheat orzo salad with heirloom tomatoes and bread to die for...uh, do you have any mac-n-cheese instead?" Thanks, Uncle Bob and Aunty Anna for your patience and hospitality!

My Glee w/ Calcium Added reunion with all my theatre pals of yesteryear was a highlight on the trip. I hadn't seen most of these folks in 10 or 15 years and it was great to share some time with them. I look back very fondly on the creative work we did together- so talented, smart and passionate..my Angel thespians. I even got together with some dear homies I used to work with many, many years ago. We ate at the restaurant where we all had waited tables..now completely re-done and unrecognizeable. Even though our surroundings may have changed, we had not. We picked up convo like no time had ever passed. You Fab-ites are da greatest. Next up, was a cool by the pool gathering with my friends in faith. Ladies, you always inspire me with your beauty and wisdom....not to mention the gauc and Goose! I think my girls may have worn out your water feature, Dorinda. They still talk about "the falls".

I've always said, if one is defined by the company they keep, then Mama Mags has got it goin' on, ya'll. My pals opened their homes, hearts and wine bottles to me while I was there in the most beautiful way. I truly am the luckiest gal on the planet to have such shining lights in my life. Yes, I gathered with old friends, young friends, some I haven't talked to in years..even made a brand new one whom I know I will treasure always. I like to thank that the very best part of me comes out when I am with you people. Thank you, for your kindness, the laughs and for welcoming my children with open arms.

I love you, all...