Yesterday was gray and cloudy and in the dark hours of the early morning, it rained.. hard...the cool hand of winter still holding on by its fingertips as spring fights to bud its beauty of renewal. The past couple of days I’ve thought of many things. Whether I might lose my hyacinths from the cold snap, whether my husband is working too much, too soon, and a lot about a lady I never knew. Just days ago, a mom from my child’s school passed away. And yesterday, they buried her. Her son is in class with my daughter...a beautiful boy with friendly eyes, who loves dinosaurs. His mom’s obit read of someone who had accomplished much, shared a lot of love but was far too young to have left this world. We had some things in common, she and I..our age, having had the good fortune to become moms later in life, and more than likely, simpatico in the culture shock from having moved to a small town from the big city.
I think all us gals, whether we know each other or not, are connected in sisterhood by many things- our strength, our smarts, our leadership, a history of oppression, a lineage of great ladies who’ve helped us do and be who we are today and a wide open tomorrow. But the thread that truly, deeply ties us all together no matter what color we are, or on what continent we live, what rung of the economic ladder we steady ourselves upon, is our role as mother. The love for our babies is an unsaid, visceral bind that permeates every layer of our soul, defines our lives and imprints upon our hearts like no other. We are in the club. Sure..life can be a wonderfully fulfilling journey without children, but once you feel that thump against your ribs, you are never the same. You can never go back. And hopefully, you never want to.
My mind was heavy last night as my thoughts kept making their way back to her. To all those she loved. To all those that grieve. I shudder at the profound sadness of saying an early goodbye. I wonder why my soul mate was able to return and his was not. I lose my breath a little when I think of her babies and how life will never be what it was before. But I also think of the simple, wondrous joy she felt while listening to the music of their giggles, watching the sun on their face while they swung toward the sky..the gifts that she gave and the ones she received in the short, magical years of being a mommy. There is a light mom’s leave behind to show their children the way. an unspoken love that’s tucked inside their hearts to carry them through the hard times and inspire them in the good, while they travel through life’s mystical, sometimes painful, often challenging but always beautiful journey. I think of the comfort he’ll find when he sees her in their eyes and hears her in their laughter.
I believe that we come around again..that our life force is connected with those we love lifetime after lifetime...the warp and weft of human existence. Last night, while hearing the rumble of the thunder, my smallest one made her way into the black of my bedroom. Her soft voice, fearful, on the verge of tears, “I want Mama”. I whispered to her through the darkness, telling her I was there. She crawled into the bed, shaking from the sounds of the storm. I buried my nose into her soft curls that smelled of lavender and play-doh. With one baby at my back and the other spooned in my arms, I felt complete. I felt appreciative. I felt like I would never let go and I thought of Mrs. B., the lady I never met.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
number 52
Rochester has a hero in town. J Mac, they call him. For most, the legacy they leave behind comes from a lifetime of footsteps. For Coach Jim Johnson, I think it exists in this one perfect moment. For 4 minutes and 20 points of it, anyway.
Click here to see Jason McElway
Click here to see Jason McElway
Thursday, March 13, 2008
his and hers
To G.- Our from this day forward began in a glass chapel by the sea. Through strength, prayer and determination, we continue here...at our glass chapel in the forest. Just two months ago, there were nights when I was afraid I might lose you and days where even the faintest shimmer of hope shined like the sun. During the dark times when you were ill, I held fast to this dream..to stand in this very place with you..declaring my love for you..and it has come true. We made it..together..you, me and our girls.
Fourteen years ago, we met on the stage. I was barefoot and in a polka-dot dress, and you...became my funny knight in shining armor. Our journey has taken us from West to East, from the city to our niche in the trees, from the two of us to the four of us. You have taught me many things- to love, to laugh, to dream. You have deepened me as a woman, a mother and an artist. You introduced me to my Buddhist faith and helped to create my beautiful babies. The treasures that have spilled into my life since I met you- abound. Our fortune together is immense...friends that are like jewels, family that is strong and supportive and a community that wrapped their arms around us when we needed it most. Your fighting spirit and deep faith have inspired me and serves as a beacon in my life. Your role as father has been an easy one for you...your heart, giving nature and loving arms surround and protect our girls and it is my truest joy to watch the three of you play and share and love.
Having journeyed all these years with you, I am looking forward to this new beginning that we have manifested in our lives...a New Year that began with a force so strong, at times, frightening..but has become an experience that holds much purpose..deep meaning to the four of us...a time where our human revolution as individuals and as a family have opened our lives for the better and given us an opportunity to live another golden day together and to love and laugh with each other a little bit longer. You love me as I am, for who I am and all that I can be. You are my True North, my anchor, my life. I love you.
To P.- What do you say to someone who saved your life? A mere thank you is nowhere near enough. You have, as you always do, give everything, 200%, to whatever you put your mind to. You never settle on anything until all avenues have been explored. That determination is the difference in my being able to stand here with you now. Your focused prayer, along with the prayers of literally hundreds of people of many faiths...people that you rallied through numerous phone calls, emails, was the difference that made my recovery so quick and effective.
In our Buddhist practice, the term Myoho, or Mystic Law, has many different interpretations. My favorite is "to open". You have opened my life to many things that I never would have thought possible. The number one thing is being a father to these two beautiful girls. Also, being open to change our lives for the better and opening me to a new chapter in my life.
A vow is defined as a "solemn promise". I vow to you now that I will do all I can to open my life to you and our girls. I stand here with tremendous gratitude and appreciation for all that you do. And I vow that we not stand still but move on in our life together from this day forward.
It was a lovely day, just as I knew it would be. One of love, light and laughter...Copeland's Appalachian Spring filling our hearts and the gorgeous chapel. A day of raw emotion, pure joy and pretty darn good hair. Just the way Mama likey.
Fourteen years ago, we met on the stage. I was barefoot and in a polka-dot dress, and you...became my funny knight in shining armor. Our journey has taken us from West to East, from the city to our niche in the trees, from the two of us to the four of us. You have taught me many things- to love, to laugh, to dream. You have deepened me as a woman, a mother and an artist. You introduced me to my Buddhist faith and helped to create my beautiful babies. The treasures that have spilled into my life since I met you- abound. Our fortune together is immense...friends that are like jewels, family that is strong and supportive and a community that wrapped their arms around us when we needed it most. Your fighting spirit and deep faith have inspired me and serves as a beacon in my life. Your role as father has been an easy one for you...your heart, giving nature and loving arms surround and protect our girls and it is my truest joy to watch the three of you play and share and love.
Having journeyed all these years with you, I am looking forward to this new beginning that we have manifested in our lives...a New Year that began with a force so strong, at times, frightening..but has become an experience that holds much purpose..deep meaning to the four of us...a time where our human revolution as individuals and as a family have opened our lives for the better and given us an opportunity to live another golden day together and to love and laugh with each other a little bit longer. You love me as I am, for who I am and all that I can be. You are my True North, my anchor, my life. I love you.
To P.- What do you say to someone who saved your life? A mere thank you is nowhere near enough. You have, as you always do, give everything, 200%, to whatever you put your mind to. You never settle on anything until all avenues have been explored. That determination is the difference in my being able to stand here with you now. Your focused prayer, along with the prayers of literally hundreds of people of many faiths...people that you rallied through numerous phone calls, emails, was the difference that made my recovery so quick and effective.
In our Buddhist practice, the term Myoho, or Mystic Law, has many different interpretations. My favorite is "to open". You have opened my life to many things that I never would have thought possible. The number one thing is being a father to these two beautiful girls. Also, being open to change our lives for the better and opening me to a new chapter in my life.
A vow is defined as a "solemn promise". I vow to you now that I will do all I can to open my life to you and our girls. I stand here with tremendous gratitude and appreciation for all that you do. And I vow that we not stand still but move on in our life together from this day forward.
It was a lovely day, just as I knew it would be. One of love, light and laughter...Copeland's Appalachian Spring filling our hearts and the gorgeous chapel. A day of raw emotion, pure joy and pretty darn good hair. Just the way Mama likey.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
chili and tulips
As I prepare to renew my wedding vows and gather with friends and family to celebrate G.'s life and his return home to all of us that love him, I am deeply appreciative and continually amazed at the mystical ride each of us travel throughout our lifetimes. Some steer through it like Earnhardt, some just coast, and some are forced to look at their deepest fear, square in it's ugly mug, whether we’re ready to or not..and then some are fortunate enough to kick its ass. I believe there are no coincidences, no time for regret and no part of destiny that we can not change. I believe that within life itself lays the power to dream, to be, to do, to give and to live with absolute freedom and the purest of joy. Right here. Right now. On Terra Firma.
Two months ago, I watched G. ride a roller coaster I like to call “The Revolutionizer”. It’s beginning..the staccato click of the chain lift..a life moving steadily forward. But, as the cosmos is known to do, throws in a whip lash or two...accelerates to a speed of 0 to 60 in five seconds and then you got yourself a ride, people. It is then, if we play our cards right, our life condition revs like an Evinrude...kicking into high gear around the banked turns..wrangling with the negative g's that make us bulge-eyed & breathless...looping and twisting through all that nasty karma that at one time seemed so immutable only to discover that after the final quick dip as we pull into the station that..duh...nothing in life is static, you can't learn without lessons and the good part?..nothing is unchangeable. I mean, come on, what did we expect when we handed over that E ticket, anyway?
Back at home base with our hair on end, white-knuckled and greeted by Murphy and Newton, the toothless carnies...we're exhausted, exhilarated, enlightened and hopefully left feeling life at it’s fullest. And Mama? For a short time, I was the scaredy-cat lady that mysteriously got stuck in the very front car, next to my guy, frozen in time, mouth agape, hands over my eyes...my kids, protected by their youth and innocence, arms held above their heads, squealing with delight. In the end though, I discovered that I had a determination, a focus, an oomph in me that I never knew existed and that whether we think we can't or whether we think we can, we still have to ride the ride all the same. We just do it. We all got the goods. We're made that way- fully assembled, life-long battery pack and very durable. In the end, it either becomes a scream machine or an opportunity. It's up to us. With faith as the guide wheels, our loved ones- the lap bar that holds us in place..and managing to keep fear and doubt in the cars behind us, we'll make it through The Cyclone. No matter what happens. Besides, those barrel rolls and sidewinders from up on high are the best way to see the Park, right?
This weekend, we will laugh, we will love and we will remember that almost two months ago, to the day, I was told to bring my kids in to say goodbye to their daddy. Instead they will stand at his side, in a beautiful glass chapel..holding their tulip..a tender sign of Spring to come and then we’ll chow on chili, a symbol of all the zest, the bite, the Bam! that life and its precious gift have to offer.
Whether it's rhapsody, euphoria, a small simple joy, a quiet moment of grace or uh-oh..fear itself..it's just that..only a mere moment in a vast span of time making it all that more important really..all that more necessary..all an impetus for deepening our faith, all a part of the lessons we learn and the amazing power we are able to manifest as a tiny beautiful blip in the great big order. Every last bit of it. So if you find yourself, yawning, on the slow steady people-mover of life, you better brace for the dips as best you can..because they are coming, ready or not...and within them, lie most of your answers. If I know anything now...I know that we learn more about who we really are when we're riding through the scary part.
Two months ago, I watched G. ride a roller coaster I like to call “The Revolutionizer”. It’s beginning..the staccato click of the chain lift..a life moving steadily forward. But, as the cosmos is known to do, throws in a whip lash or two...accelerates to a speed of 0 to 60 in five seconds and then you got yourself a ride, people. It is then, if we play our cards right, our life condition revs like an Evinrude...kicking into high gear around the banked turns..wrangling with the negative g's that make us bulge-eyed & breathless...looping and twisting through all that nasty karma that at one time seemed so immutable only to discover that after the final quick dip as we pull into the station that..duh...nothing in life is static, you can't learn without lessons and the good part?..nothing is unchangeable. I mean, come on, what did we expect when we handed over that E ticket, anyway?
Back at home base with our hair on end, white-knuckled and greeted by Murphy and Newton, the toothless carnies...we're exhausted, exhilarated, enlightened and hopefully left feeling life at it’s fullest. And Mama? For a short time, I was the scaredy-cat lady that mysteriously got stuck in the very front car, next to my guy, frozen in time, mouth agape, hands over my eyes...my kids, protected by their youth and innocence, arms held above their heads, squealing with delight. In the end though, I discovered that I had a determination, a focus, an oomph in me that I never knew existed and that whether we think we can't or whether we think we can, we still have to ride the ride all the same. We just do it. We all got the goods. We're made that way- fully assembled, life-long battery pack and very durable. In the end, it either becomes a scream machine or an opportunity. It's up to us. With faith as the guide wheels, our loved ones- the lap bar that holds us in place..and managing to keep fear and doubt in the cars behind us, we'll make it through The Cyclone. No matter what happens. Besides, those barrel rolls and sidewinders from up on high are the best way to see the Park, right?
This weekend, we will laugh, we will love and we will remember that almost two months ago, to the day, I was told to bring my kids in to say goodbye to their daddy. Instead they will stand at his side, in a beautiful glass chapel..holding their tulip..a tender sign of Spring to come and then we’ll chow on chili, a symbol of all the zest, the bite, the Bam! that life and its precious gift have to offer.
Whether it's rhapsody, euphoria, a small simple joy, a quiet moment of grace or uh-oh..fear itself..it's just that..only a mere moment in a vast span of time making it all that more important really..all that more necessary..all an impetus for deepening our faith, all a part of the lessons we learn and the amazing power we are able to manifest as a tiny beautiful blip in the great big order. Every last bit of it. So if you find yourself, yawning, on the slow steady people-mover of life, you better brace for the dips as best you can..because they are coming, ready or not...and within them, lie most of your answers. If I know anything now...I know that we learn more about who we really are when we're riding through the scary part.
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