still

Sometimes it's opening a drawer and seeing your rolling pin. Other days it shows itself in the giggle of my youngest or the way her eyes light up when she sings to herself. The memory of you is a whisper that weaves itself in and out of dreams. Tears well as easy as breath and there are days when each step feels so heavy, I fear I'll never ever get over that long goodbye.

The weight of grief can be like a stole on a shoulder, and I pray that time will turn out to be the friend that guides me through the storm. Until then, I busy myself with recipes and planting. Looking for you, I think.

I will have to make do with the hummingbird who visits, the fragrance of Sweet William....the morning sun through the trees that gives my heart what my eyes will never see again. You were my world for so long. Your love was like cashmere and I ache in your absence. I never kept a secret from you until the end and I don't think I will ever forgive my silence. It was such an erratic journey we travelled those last two years, you and I. It was incredibly difficult to make decisions and almost impossible now not to regret them. Although my head understands this as an inevitable process aided by the passing of time, it is my heart that's left to scale a precipice that breaks it. Such is life and its irony. I miss you. I miss my sounding board, the way you loved me 'anyway' and the smell of your rolls. Whatever star you are dancing on, is the brightest one in the sky, Mom. I love you. Always have.