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2013

Here's to healing the ache, finding the courage and sharing the joy. Wishing you all an inspiring 2013! xo

merry, merry

Santa delivered his gift to Mama, early. It doesn't come in a box, you can't hang it around your neck..or drive it. It's "appreciation". While attending T-Mag's precious holiday school show this morning, there was a number intro'd by a young girl of 7. Her class performed a beautiful piece written by her composer father in memory of her sister, who passed away. The whispers behind me, let me know that this child would have been in the 4th grade..same as my Will. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Throughout the scrambling, the baking..at times, the 'hum-bugging', may we all make a concerted effort to stop, if even for a moment, to appreciate the simple joy of togetherness. Each others smile, hug and good cheer is all we truly need. May your "tree" runneth over this holiday season, friends! xo

Thanksgiving 2012

I am thankful for...

My babies- their laughter..my song. Their heart..my own.

My family & friends- whose wit lifts me when I need it..on whose shoulders, I lean.

My home and hearth- that provide me the warmth & comfort so many will lack this holiday season.

My health- the vibrance of which allows me to feel, dance & celebrate to the fullest.

My life- unique, flawed and wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving, all! May this day fill your tummies and more importantly, your soul!

Best Always,
Mama Mags

Henri 4, L'Haunting

memorial day 2012

We honor the goodbye and rejoice in the hello...

still

Sometimes it's opening a drawer and seeing your rolling pin. Other days it shows itself in the giggle of my youngest or the way her eyes light up when she sings to herself. The memory of you is a whisper that weaves itself in and out of dreams. Tears well as easy as breath and there are days when each step feels so heavy, I fear I'll never ever get over that long goodbye.

The weight of grief can be like a stole on a shoulder, and I pray that time will turn out to be the friend that guides me through the storm. Until then, I busy myself with recipes and planting. Looking for you, I think.

I will have to make do with the hummingbird who visits, the fragrance of Sweet William....the morning sun through the trees that gives my heart what my eyes will never see again. You were my world for so long. Your love was like cashmere and I ache in your absence. I never kept a secret from you until the end and I don't think I will ever forgive my silence. It was such an erratic journey we travelled those last two years, you and I. It was incredibly difficult to make decisions and almost impossible now not to regret them. Although my head understands this as an inevitable process aided by the passing of time, it is my heart that's left to scale a precipice that breaks it. Such is life and its irony. I miss you. I miss my sounding board, the way you loved me 'anyway' and the smell of your rolls. Whatever star you are dancing on, is the brightest one in the sky, Mom. I love you. Always have.

In the face of unspeakable tragedy flies the power of love. Its greatness and potential to turn anything & anyone around is unfathomable. I am inspired and amazed every day by people and their strength, their courage, their words...their story. Today is no exception. But today, I learned to do better. May the precious lives of these three girls and the mommy who loved them encourage us all to act, think, give and make it better throughout the New Year and always.
Lily, Sarah & Grace

happy thanksgiving,all...

amma

Today, you will release through a sea mist morning as your boys ride the waves to carry you home. I will remember the pearl necklace you took from your neck on my wedding day and the welcome to family that came with it. I will remember your quiet tears when we named our youngest in your honor. Thank you, for molding the gentle man who watches over me and our babies. Like my mother, you dedicated yourself to those you loved. And from that simple act, always lies our greatest legacy.

Travel happily beyond, with song and festive spirit, Margret. And a little whiskey wouldn't hurt. ;-)

hair

We are losing our youth one after another to hate. My heart breaks for the moms who are left behind to tend the empty bedrooms. More profoundly for these diamond lives who had yet to even really begin. We must fix this epic fail in every way we can- all the way from dinner table to legislation, whatever it takes. I pray my girls will continue to live and breathe with absolute freedom in both spirit and song. My youngest left for class the other day with one-part side ponytail, one-part fuchsia hairpiece, mismatched stripes and dots and two different socks. In the rear view and very close to the moment of fizzling that fire, I caught myself. As I watched that special show make her way to through the students, I wished that I'd had that confident sparkle, that spunk...that me. Here's to all our babies- big, small, pom pom'd, pensive, straight, gay and transgendered.

As their buoys, let us feed their souls along with their tummies toward embracing all 25 in the class, including themselves...as sometimes that is the hardest. To have the fortitude to stand ground when they need to, the courage to applaud the different...practicing tolerance and compassion each and every day- from jungle gym to cap and gown and beyond. Sweet dreams in your travels, Jamey, boy.

StoryCorps' September 11 shorts, animated by the Rauch Brothers, feature stories collected through its September 11th Initiative. These works were created with the assistance and blessing of the families of the victims memorialized.

For the past five years, StoryCorps has worked to record one story to honor each life lost on September 11, 2011. To date, survivors, families, friends, and rescue workers have memorialized nearly 600 individual victims of the attacks through the StoryCorps interview process.

the american plunge

What with a husband who's been MIA for over a month now and a casa with its plummeting price tag hanging around my neck like an anvil, this temporary single mom has been feeling the heat and grumps. Big time. My Audrey Rose 1 and 2 informed me that what I needed was to lose the Debbie Downer attitude and have a little Labor Day fun. And since the summer of my discontent hadn't yielded much tah-doo for them, they thought a weekend hotel trip was in order. I agreed, figuring that life has been such a proverbial roller coaster lately, why not ride the real kind? Besides, it gives a mother a chance to scream the stress out in front of hundreds of people and not be carted off to the loony bin.

So Mama and her Maglets ♪...loaded up the truck and we moved to Beverly ♫... Well, not exactly. Our travels led us to the area's local amusement park- Silver Dollar City. Nestled in the mountains of Branson Missouri, this Appalachian playground offers up the olden days of hillbilly yore. From salt-water taffy to blacksmithing- the place has it all. It is here you will find hand-made rugs, belts, dolls, knives...plum near everything. Including a Monday morning trip to the doc for a statin script. I think I gained five pounds just by smelling all those greasy funnel cakes and great big skillets of what appeared to be succotash. There were quite a few squirrels running around on the property, so who knows? The park's latest culinary delight would make Paula Deen proud. It was a portable tator of a sort. A big ole Idaho cut into a spiral, deep-fried to a per usual golden brown, with a long skewer running up through it. By pre-loading each layer with ketchup and salt, you were pretty much good to go. At least as far as your heart could take ya anyway.

After a Warren Jeffs look-alike unhooked the chain to the main drag, it took my girls all of two seconds to yank my already aching rotator cuffs, and off we flew, with at least 80 people racing down them thar hills behind me. I accidentally dropped my park map and was bending over to retrieve it and almost got wiped out by some wide-eyed chick in a prairie dress. My kiddos are all about water rides, so I spent the rest of a really bad hair day squishing around in sopping wet tennis shoes. I did have the forethought of bringing an emergency dry tee in my backpack but after a quick restroom break to switch it out, realized that my bra was so wet it made me look like my milk had come down and I needed to nurse. We must have ridden that blasted log ride eight times that day. The girls couldn't seem to get enough of that watery wonder. The Ozark River Raft was another fave- a swirling, soaking 6-person floatie on steroids that had them squealing up a storm and me looking forward to the evening's moonshine. By the long day's end, I felt like Katrina had held me while Irene beat my ass. I slept like a baby that night. But only after two more agonizing hours in the hotel pool. Thank goodness, for my trusty "water bottle".

The next morning, over Cheerios and through an allergenic haze, I realized the two day park pass I'd purchased ended up being one day too many. My two Bald-Knobbers clamored aboard the shuttle with as much energy as the day before as I sniffled and braced myself for another sneezy one. I've discovered there's not a Zyrtec big enough to fight those Missouri oaks. Three soft pretzels and a six dollar lemonade later, we decided to give my snoot a break and went down into Marvel Cave. It is located on the property and prides itself as one of the largest caves in North America. And with its massive Cathedral Room, it did deliver and was quite impressive. That is, until I got down about 750 feet or so with two burning quads and no Xanax, then it was just an anxious, breathy climb to find the light again.

Surprisingly, I actually managed to have a few enjoyable big girl moments- riding the train that circles the park, watching the artistic hand of a glass-blower and listening to a darn good Zydeco set. You would have thought by the look of agony on the girl's faces that I was Mommie Dearest or something..."Good grief, Mom! Ugh...we came here to have fun!!"

Much to my kin's chagrin, we wrapped up the weekend, by skipping the late show and departing a couple of hours before sunset so that I could get us home safe, sound...alive. I have absolutely no sense of direction and was really sweating it through all the forested switchbacks as the sun began falling from the sky. The hills have eyes alright and even after being back here all these years I still can not get used to the dark, country roads. It just creeps me out. I guess I need the lights, honks and road rage of the 405 to help me feel settled.

So there you have it...our fam's summer blow-out. We yee-hawed it up right and made a memory or two. We even drove through a rainbow on our way back...literally! We kept admiring its beautiful, shiny arch, and the next thing you know, the windshield got all prism'd out and Will said, "Mommy, we drove right into it!" I immediately pulled over and searched for the pot of gold but only saw a cow chewing its cud and some road kill. The three of us decided to commemorate this grand event, by buying three fake silver charm bracelets at a gas station that said Hope, Strength and Believe. Sans Daddy..it wasn't quite the same. But by manifesting plenty of those three virtues, the four of us can hook back up soon and the master mag-plan will have all worked out. That, or it's looking like a Hazelden Christmas.

in time

Yesterday, my sister and I signed on the dotted line. It aches my chest to think of my parent's knoll belonging to anyone else. But change, like the turning heavens, is inevitable and we've no choice other than to comply. Through its wax and wane, comes healing, but in the meantime I surf a wave I'd rather not.

By hand, they built their yellow house from the foundation up...framed and finished with loving care, fueled by the dream of riding out their golden years in peace. And that they did. Twenty long, good ones, spent in quiet contemplation with a front row seat to grazing deer and the whimsical flight of the cardinal. The whisper of the wind through the trees...a symphony for two. And it was upon that narrow breezeway- they held, they shared.

As it grows closer to a finish, tears come quite easily. Today, Patty and I sat under a blanket of heat and salty Bloody Marys as we watched the children swim and the dragonflies dance in the sun. And it was within that quiet we stayed. Thoughts and hearts so intertwined from this painfully, exhausting journey that words seem almost unnecessary now. Whatever void that has been left within the two of us will eventually fill with light again. My mother will see to that.

Meanwhile, the memory of my folks will linger in that forest for some time to come...as tangible as oak bark. The goodness of who they were and how they lived will shine like rays through a morning mist and we will always remember. No matter if we're able to park our car in the driveway or not. Love was their beginning and end. And I am honored to have witnessed, participated and dreamed within it.

go with throttle up

Well, it's summer once again, and my liver will pay the price. The kiddos are in full, high-decibel swing and pool obsessed. Will is swimming like a dolphin and my other girl has upgraded herself to the deep-end...literally. Fourteen feet of high board and Evil Knievel water slides...the whole enchilada. Lots of growing, lots of squealing and lots of changes.

After a very difficult year, we Mags have decided to begin working our way back West. Yep, cement ponds and movie stars. We have the casa up and Big Daddy will hit the road at the end of the month to begin his new job. I will stay behind as a temporary single mom, hold down the fort in this sluggish market and try not to drink myself to death. It won't be the most fun I ever had but what are ya gonna do? That's what web cams and Skype are for, I guess. This relocation was sort of kismet with the way it unfolded and well...Mama is up for an adventure. It will cost me about 400 square feet and a sixty percent hike in health care premiums, but what the hell. Los Angeles, with all its faults ;-)....is really still home to me. I spent well over 20 years out there and have a darn good pal base and, hey, I actually know some loony moms like me who decided to have children past forty. So we can jaw and pinot grigio it up over our raw nerve endings and waning estrogen...whee!

The girls are pretty excited. Why wouldn't they be? The get to sink their toes in beach sand, whoop it up and not have to pay for it. They are leaving behind some incredible friends though...truly. My kids know how to pick 'em. We have been so fortunate to know you, Cowan, Harr and Vandiver Fams, and for that I am very thankful.

The past seven years have been a roller coaster. An Ozarkian loop-de-loop. I nested and had my second baby here, bought two homes, helped my pops through cancer, came very, very close to losing the hub to a necrotizing pneumonia and have buried both my parents. I've watched my guy work hard without complaint so that I might stay home with his children. I have enjoyed bright stars and big full moons that I swear were so close I could reach up and pluck them from the night sky. Fall has colored my world for almost a decade now with its gold and orange plaid and don't get me going on the red buds. Those gorgeous purple swatches against the green of the mountains. I treasure the time we spent in beautiful Bella Vista in our very beginning- our little niche in the trees, nursing my two little munchkins and wondering just what life had planned for me. Well, it threw in a dry county, a hideous case of the chickenpox back in '05 and some humidity, but there's always a little bad with the good, right?

As miserable as my allergies have been, I am so glad I packed up all those years ago and followed my heart. It isn't always easy, but you're always glad you did. I can not replace the hugs and ice-cream kisses shared between my parents and their grand babies. Our family's three little ones were their life, plain and simple. I have never seen mom and dad more happy then answering to the knock of those tiny little hands. All the birthdays and my sis' yummy deviled eggs....their dream of building a family had come true. As sad as it got in the end, I know in the deepest part of myself, that my folks had come full circle. That 66 year tie was complete and had yielded them a bigger bow then they'd ever expected...and more.

Yes, it has been supersonic alright. 2011, in particular. But there ain't no ejection seat in life, so onward we must go! We're so grateful for all the peeps who've come into our lives here on this part of the journey- some new friends, some old ones, some I never get to see but who I will always hold dear. One in particular, who I've known since the third grade. Darla, you are my friend, my soul sister, my angel and another mom to my kids, girl.

Thanks to all for the prayers, friendship and Facebook humor. It has been a gift. I see it really isn't so much the race itself but more about the pit-crew that fuel us along the way. Here's to new beginnings!

P.S.) Change is scary as hell. But it is inevitable.

Here's to independence & star-spangled banners! Happy birthday weekend to our country, our freedoms and our lives! Prayers go out to soldiers in all directions on this planet who are missing their family BBQs....